3 Mistakes We Make Before During and After Funerals
Funerals are certainly a time of grieving and stress for everyone involved. We see our friends and loved ones suffering, and we want to do something, anything to help them. However, in our quest to make things better, we often make some mistakes. I’m certainly one of them. I’ve made these three mistakes , and wanted to share solutions of what to do before,during, and after a funeral.
Mistake # 1: Asking What Can I do?
You want to help, but you’re not sure what to do, or how to approach the person. So with good intention you ask “What can I do?” But think about it from the perspective of the grieving person. A question like that adds an extra burden to his or her shoulders, requiring them to think of a concrete thing or task to give you. Most people who are grieving don’t have the emotional capability at the time to make plans or give direction. Instead, offer to do something concrete and practical for them. For example, let’s say your friend Mary just lost her mother. Instead of asking what to do, say something like this: “Mary, why don’t I stop by later this afternoon with your favorite chicken penne pasta meal. Do you want enough for a quick lunch or a sit down dinner?” I will be dropping the food by, getting a quick hug, and will be on my way. This lets the person know they won’t need to entertain you or hold court. You could also say, I am off Monday and Tuesday may I pick up your family members at the airport.
Mistake # 2: Saying I’m Sorry
This mistake may seem surprising. We all mean the words “I’m sorry” when we say them, but to many going through the grieving process they can sound hollow, almost empty to their ears. Instead of saying I’m sorry, simply let them know that you are thinking of them, and perhaps give them a hug . You’ll be amazed at how much a simple warm touch, a hand on the shoulder, or an embrace can do. A simple statement that you could say that is perfect and truthful is “I’m thinking about you”. Save your lengthier words of warmth about the deceased for simple notes or when you visit at a later time. Your friend will cherish the little notes of joy and remembrance that you provide her after the initial shock of grief is over.
Mistake # 3: Hiding
There is no doubt that approaching a person who is grieving is a difficult thing to do. There are so many pitfalls, and you certainly don’t want to cause more pain. However, hiding away from the person who is grieving is one of the worst things that we can do. When one of my good friend’s was dealing with her father passing, they decided to have a private ceremony, and some people didn’t even take the time to make a simple phone call, which really hurt her feelings and made her question her inner circle. However, other friends took the time to go a visit her, providing her with food, warmth and friendship, which she needed more than anything. And it doesn’t have to be anything fancy or complicated. In most cases, stopping by with a smile and a simple meal is more than enough to lift someone’s spirits.
Finally, remember that it is never a good idea to tell someone who is grieving that they look tired. It may be true, but what exactly are they supposed to say? Telling something that they look tired may be meant as a sign of concern, but it comes across as an insult. Most people who are grieving take the time to try and make their appearance acceptable and have probably spackled on under eye concealer , to put on a brave face for the world. To say that they look tired is to say that they failed in those efforts. It’s certainly not the impression that you want to convey.
So offer your grieving friend or family member, a warm hug, a hot meal, a sincere card ,and let them know that you are here to share fond memories when they are ready to do so. Make a date on your calendar 30 to 60 days post funeral. Call and say “I want to take you to coffee or lunch, is Thursday or Saturday better? Doing those simple things will offer more help than you could ever imagine.
